It Doesn’t Hurt Anymore

It doesn’t hurt anymore.
I remember rocking,
my right knee held tight in my slippery hands.
A pink and orange towel,
pressed against rough skin.

Self-hate never visited my home,
but that day she knocked on my door
and when I didn’t answer,
she broke the damn wood.
I stood in the shower,
staring at the metal blades
and the pounding on the glass
scarred me into shutting my eyes and cutting my thighs.

The water stung.
Blinding pain and the blood from the wound,
seemed so placid.
Once that cut started to numb,
I thought,
“maybe this isn’t such a bad thing, I could even do it again.”

So I did,
I kept sawing myself open because no one seemed to care,
no one noticed the stash of band-aids in my front backpack pocket
or the face I made when the sweat from PE dripped into the gash.

The last time I cut myself,
I inspected it for the longest time before deciding,
I don’t need her in my life,
Self-hate is just one pawn in a much larger game.

I later found out,
Self-Hate had been lying to me.
Her real name was Self-Infliction, Self-Harm for short.

Sometimes I miss it, you know?
The tender flesh,
the peeling of the wound,
the blood,
oh how I miss the blood.

At the time,
I didn’t have anyone to kiss away the pain.
A mere two years has past,
and though I may have felt in control, then.
Wreckage of my body did not make me feel any more raw than I already was.

Why did I do it?
It made me feel good.

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17 thoughts on “It Doesn’t Hurt Anymore

    1. This post has been inspired by an old friend who used to cut herself, for the smallest of reasons, and because she loved the high it gave her. Never understood why, but maybe she had her own deeper reasons.
      Thank you for your concern❤️

      Liked by 3 people

  1. Oh, wow! I was just going to ask if this was you. I’m so sorry your friend used to cut herself. I hope she’s doing better now! I am squeamish at the sight of blood, but I can understand the pain many feel and cutting can be a way to make it more acknowledged (in a way), especially when no one else seems to notice your pain. Your physical wounds can serve as a reminder that the suffering is real. I don’t know if this is why people cut though.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m a coward, I couldn’t stand to mutilate myself even if I wanted to.
      My friend would bring a blade to school and cut her wrist and show it to everyone, take photos of ot, etc. I don’t know what drove her to that point.

      Like

  2. SubhanAllah, I read this, and was scared for you. We just don’t connect with real people anymore. The rise of social media usage has resulted in the demise of human connection and consequently mental health. I pray Allah swt protects all these young,vulnerable souls, eases their affairs, and blesses them immensely, ameen. ❤️ thank you for sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I won’t do this to myself, partly because I’m a coward, partly because my body is too precious to me, and partly because I have nothing worth dying for.
      It’s true, people crave media attention and attempt to self-harm, but we never know what exactly drove them to the edge of that abyss.
      Thank you for your concerns❤️

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This isn’t why I meant at all, Anum. Scared for you, because it’s written in first person. Alhamdulilah, good to know that you’d never do this. May Allah swt protect and preserve you, ameen.

        As for the social media thing, what I mean is that social media leads to loneliness. It’s not real friendships we form on there, and in doing so we lose the real people in our lives. We don’t connect with people on a one on one basis. We don’t look into each other’s eyes, we don’t smile at each other, we don’t pick up on the body language. We are a lost generation and until we rise above this, we will continue to struggle.

        When someone is lonely in this sense and they have no one to truly connect with, you lose a sense of self, your self esteem and so much more. Sometimes this drives people to different mental health issues, including depression. These are very real issues. SubhanAllah.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, it does depend on the person. Most people get kicks out of looking a blood and feeling pain. I only get puke out.
      This problem is so widespread, everyone knows someone who hurts themselves😣

      Like

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