Letter to myself- #4

Dear Anam,

I am 17 years old. Some people will say I am pretty young, but I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. There is not one thing I have striven to achieve. There is nothing in the world I own, except for a few books. There is not one person who can say that I have changed their life. There is not one person who can say that I have made their life better. There is not one person I can call my own. If my family is reading this, I’m sorry for being a burden to you. I’m sorry for making you all cry. I have always broken your trust. But you haven’t given me the freedom I need. You all haven’t looked at my needs. Constantly breathing down my neck, I felt suffocated. And chained. But I don’t blame you for this. I don’t blame anyone for whatever mess my life is.

I don’t have any talents. My hobbies are reading books, listening to songs, and sleeping. I’m not even average. I’m less than average. I am a coward. I’m commitment-phobic. I hate confrontations. I am a liar. I am a failure. The simplest thing in the world to do, to live, and I fail at it. I’m very sorry. Very very sorry.

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

I wish I had the courage to fatally cut myself. I wish I had the courage to drink an entire bottle of poison. I wish I had the courage to overdose properly. I wish I had the courage to fasten the noose around my neck. I wish I had the courage to jump from my 20th floor window. I wish I had the courage to jump in front of a train. Alas, I don’t.

I’m too sick and sad to write any more.

I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?

                                                                                                                                                            I tried to be yours,

47 thoughts on “Letter to myself- #4

  1. I can only thank Allah that you are still here. I am not sure the problems that you have, but I could roughly guess that you are very depressed and suicidal thoughts are knocking on your doorstep. I don’t blame you for being so depressed, things must have happened. The choices and the remarks you get. Remember this is just all an illusion.. there is always a chance to repent. No one will ever see your guilt nor sadness but Allah He is there. He knows your pain and how much you want to kill yourself. But you didn’t. It’s not that you are afraid to end it, it’s just because you are strong enough to hold on to a small, tiny fine thread, to hold on to that and somehow a small powerful voice is there to stop you. Studying psychology, we know that 1 in 3 youngsters are facing depression, at the least. It’s okay to not be okay. One thing I know for sure is that you are a Muslim, you are already a Muslim and that is truly something I fight for every day, to be something that you already are.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. I honestly may not know your pain, but I have had many people close to my heart, who have survived, and some may not have done very well with depression, chronic depression, bipolar etc. Although I may only have short episodes of depression, I could say I do have a glimpse of it. My grandmother had bipolar and schizophrenia, who died, unjustified. She died without her story being told, without anyone by her side. She was abandoned. I have people close to my heart who also, cut their wrists, vomit everything they eat, not wanting to drink because water is just not accepted into their body. its not like they didnt want to drink. its just that the body kept regurgitating it out. and sadly, i was not much of a help to her when i left her all alone, thinking maybe she should be okay now, she should be independent enough to live without me, i should let go, and this is all too much. but sadly i was wrong, i lost a best friend and i lost a sister. although she is alive i know she hated me and we dont even talk now. ANYWAYS. im just sayin’, a stranger here, living somewhere far away, is worried about you. because this person has lost loved ones to sadness, depression, whatever you call it. i really want you to be okay, because despite everything you have done to yourself, the fact that you are even alive, when you are so wanting to sleep and never wake up, you are still here. THAT is a miracle, and not everyone has a chance to wake up again like you do. it also shows how proud i am for you. to still be here. to still breathe and perhaps even fake a smile. if you are ready, i hope you would share your story, with hope that other people like you, will know that they are not alone too. and most of all, i want to know.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey,
    I cannot even bring myself to like this. Whatever it is that is boring you down, trust me maybe not 5 years, sometimes even just a year later things can turn around. I am not making this up, when I was 17 and I had just passed out high school I slumped into depression like a free fall in a black hole, it’s a dark horrible feeling, you want to be swallowed into nothingness and simply not exist.
    The thing with depression is it does not necessarily have to be some strong concrete reason for all these negative feelings, they can simply be there to haunt you. And what is worst is, there is no full proof way out, the only thing which heals is time and maybe talking to someone not about the problem but just how you feel, someone who wouldn’t judge you but just listen and understand. I am absolutely nobody to say, but all of your letters come off to me as a cry for help, and I just want to you to know you if you need a hand for support, mine will always be extended.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m gna turn 17 in a few months… There was a time in my life recently..
    when I use to think there’s no one there for me …
    No one seemed to understand me …
    And it seemed no one had time for me..
    As humans we naturally tend to rely on humans for our happiness..
    But that’s a huge mistake … No human can always be there for you ..
    And no human can understand you ..
    And as I came to the realisation , I’ve learnt
    Allah is always there ..He knows what we going though
    And He knows the hikmah ,wisdom behind it
    Hes the All Hearing … And will always be there waiting to listen
    Hes waiting for Us to ask of Him in the darkest hour of the night ..

    Turn to Him … The serenity He gives is something undescribable
    I may be billions of miles away ..like literally at the bottom of the world
    But I feel for you my sister..💔
    i pray to Allah that you find the sweetness of the recitation of the Quran Shareef , and the connection with ur Creator
    Because words can Never do justice with the peace of mind and heart found within

    I’d really love to send some inspirational audios via email
    Would really appreciate your email address❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hun! To live is not the simplest thing. If you think you’re failing at it then you’re not alone. To live in this modern Era is the hardest thing but we are surviving it and that’s something. We might be better at it but we don’t realize it. There’s always time and chance to improve. You are a beautiful human created by the most beautiful Creator. Don’t let yourself that you can’t do it. You certainly can achieve alot in your own circumstances. All the love. Always here if you ever want to talk or need help. 💌

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You’re 17, right now you really don’t have to accomplish anything! This is the time where you figure thongs out girl not full on achieve something.

    And achievements are very subjective. I think surviving is an accomplishment as well. You’re here because you are strong enough to live. You don’t live for your parents, siblings or partners, you live for yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sweet Anam … I cannot address your sorrow, as I do not know what is going on in your life, and anything I could say would be meaningless. But DO NOT ever say you have no talent or value. I have read your blog for a while now, and you have the following talents: a) you write beautifully, and b) you have a kind, generous and loving spirit. Do you realize how much the world needs people like you … needs YOU? Please stay and give the world a chance. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Some would probably argue with you about that! I tend to be outspoken, and sometimes I rant. But thank you … and tonight you have brought a smile to my face and to my heart, knowing that I was able to make you feel good! I mean it when I say you write well and I love your gentle spirit. Sadly, gentle spirits are the ones that are most easily bruised, as I sense yours has been. Hang in … many love you! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, I think so too … if we don’t speak out and make our voices heard against injustices, then we are doomed from the start. But I have lost a large number of friends in the past year because they did not like my opinions and thought I should ‘sit down and shut up’. But … I am who I am and the bottom line for me is that I live with my conscience 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I have to be satisfied when I get in bed at night that I have done the best I could do. That’s all I ask of myself. If others cannot handle my being outspoken … they are free to walk away. Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. You know something…. sometimes I feel alone but now I dont… there are people who feel the same way I do in this world. Worthless… abnormalities and we wish we were normal etc etc…

    I’m just saying reading this I know I’m not the only one who feels this way in life.


    Liked by 2 people

  9. Dear Anam, it seems I actually wrote that letter when I was that age. Even though I didn’t even know what was wrong with me then, I just felt different… and worthless. These days, I still suffer from bouts of depression, but I’m trying to overcome it in my own little way. Remind yourself everyday that you aren’t worthless. You are intelligent, beautiful and unique. Be strong dear, and take charge of your mind, don’t let your mind enslave you. It’s also what I tell myself everyday. And be prayerful. Prayers work wonders in ways we might not notice, but it works.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I know you may not feel this way, as feelings are mainly states and states change, but why would someone who has the full world ahead of them, someone who life hasn’t even started properly yet, someone who can accomplish their goals feel that way? It’s best to talk it out, to let the weight of your chest. It really works wonders 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. No problem.
        Just typical teenage shit. Family problems. My mood swings and anger issues. Also, the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness. :3


      2. Every family goes through them tbh, they are normal and if I told you about mine, the screen will start crying haha. You have to be in control of your own mood or it’ll wander and be in control of you, that’s also what I learnt tbh.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. When you adopt the mentality that everything is a test, it will set free the shackles of everything, up until then, it will hold you back. Family being a major issue because you do alot of dealings with them. But yeah, they are too dysfunctional haha!

        Liked by 1 person

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